Head. In. The. Sand. And. Staying. There.

Today my counter top arrives.

Honestly, soon I will stop talking about my kitchen. What do you care? You're not reading this. Because I haven't told anybody about it. But maybe in a year or so, when I get round to it, you will read this and then you'll be sorry because I never stop banging on about my kitchen. You see? Apologies were in order.

Exciting. Because it's 4m long. The kitchen is 4.08m long. And on a first floor that you have to double back on yourself on the stairs to get to. It is potentially NOT AT ALL possible to get this counter top into the kitchen. But what am I doing about it? Am I applying to God/ Brian Cox to ask to bend the laws of physics for half an hour. No I am not. I am simply waiting to see how it all unfolds.

But the upside is I'll take pictures and this will entertain anyone who looks at them on my camera because I don't really know how to download them.

Good luck. You'll need it.

I've got the builders in

The kitchen advances.  I have the builders in. I'm having my plumbing seen to. And next week my floor goes down. If I lay it right the first time I'll be able to work all over it for years. Who said talking about a new kitchen wasn't a comedy goldmine. 

Is there a rule about how long a blog should be?

If I empty it they will come.

Right. I've bought a new kitchen. I did it on 1st January thus instantly fulfilling my resolution to buy more kitchens in 2011. I've already beaten any record I had so I can stop now. No more kitchen buying for me this year. 2012 might prove expensive.

I don't have a date for when this kitchen will be installed. This is one of the many reasons I currently have insomnia (general state, not at this moment. It's 16.46 in the afternoon and even I find it acceptable to be up by now.).

Anyway, to speed things along, rather than book a delivery or tradespeople, I have embarked upon the job of emptying the current kitchen of its, well, kitchen. If I empty it they will come. So, for the next x weeks I have no food, cupboards or counters. The toaster is on the bedside table. As is the kettle. I worry I will get used to this.

Yes, so I'm only blogging because I can't face the mess I've made of the kitchen. It's half empty and what is left is covered in dust.

If you're looking for an upside to your day all I can say is enjoy your life. It's better organised than mine. And it always will be.

Whilst you were sleeping

I'm going to write a blog. I've had this blog set up for a while but I had the privacy set to totally private. I'm not sure even I was allowed to read what I wrote. And I felt that was slightly missing the point. Because you might like to read it too. I'm not going to question why. You were probably meant to be emailing your mother to explain why you're not able to make it home for her birthday when you got distracted and found yourself here. It happens.

Anyway, I have insomnia. Can you have insomnia at 7.45 in the morning? Maybe I've just woken up for the day? But that doesn't sound right AT ALL. It must be insomnia.

Do you remember the marketing strapline for Mingles chocolates a few years ago. It was 'You just can't eat a single Mingle'. IE You won't be able to bring yourself to eat one of our chocolates. What they meant was 'You can't eat just a single Mingle'. IE Our chocolates are so scrummy, if you have one you'll definitely have another.

The poor placement of the word 'just' has always annoyed me. I've never had a place to complain about it before. Tomorrow* I might complain about Andrew Collinge's shampoo strapline.

I don't want to overstretch myself on day one. I feel we've achieved a lot here and you should get back to your email. I might go back to bed.

* Or another appointed day in the future